Arousal and Sexual Desire

November 30, 2019

Positive sexual anticipation a powerful aphrodisiac. Negative sexual anticipation is also powerful and can be debilitating.  Sexual desire can make or break good sex – and a good relationship. The number one reason couples in the United States stop having sex is a lack of sexual desire.

 

Sexual desire is, simply, the thoughts you have toward your sexual experience — good, bad or otherwise. 

 

The biggest speed bump many women face, especially in midlife, is the myth that if you are not walking around turned on and wanting sex, then you have “low sexual libido” and you are sexually broken.  For these women, their ‘erotic potential’ can be significant once they figure out their own key to turning themselves on.  In order to understand how to do this, it is important to be able to make the distinction between ‘spontaneous’ and ‘responsive’ arousal. It was previously assumed that sexual response is linear.  However, that is far from the truth.  Earlier theories describe low sexual desire as a lack of ‘sexual fantasies and desire for sexual activity.’ These theories place sexual desire first, as if it was the motivating factor for an individual to achieve satisfaction. In this model, desire emerges ‘spontaneously.’ Although this is not the most common pattern of sexual desire, there are definitely some people who experience desire that way — desire first, then arousal. On the contrary, many people (especially women) experience desire as responsive.  This means that desire emerges in response to, rather than in anticipation of, erotic stimulation — arousal first, then desire. Both desire styles are normal and healthy.

 

Unfortunately, most women skip the arousal phase (and, as a result, skip desire) in their rush to get to sexual intercourse and orgasm. Because of this, many women who have ‘responsive desire, rather than ‘spontaneous’ desire, mistakenly assume that they have ‘low desire’.  Furthermore, they become trained to think that their ability to enjoy sex with their partner is meaningless if they don’t also feel a persistent urge for it.  In short, they have been taught that they are broken, because their desire isn’t what it is ‘supposed’ to be. These women don’t need medical treatment, instead they require a thoughtful exploration of what creates desire between them and their partners. This is likely to include confidence in their bodies, feeling accepted, and explicitly erotic stimulation. Feeling judged or broken for their sexuality is exactly what they don’t need — and what will make their desire for sex shut down.

 

Whether you are a woman or in sexual partnership with a woman, having an understanding of responsive sexual desire and spontaneous sexual desire is fundamental to whether or not you’re going to have sex tonight. For women who have responsive sexual desire (which is the majority), it can be really important that they feel sexually desired. If the woman doesn’t feel desire, she will probably not be inspired to have sex. Women with responsive sexual desire want you to want them.  They require erotic stimulation in order to first feel arousal then desire for sex. 

 

This is why so many people are addicted to what is known as “New Relationship Energy.” They need to feel hot desire and the game of pursuit to access their full erotic turn on. It’s amazing how quickly a steamy love affair can fade with a woman who has responsive sexual desire, when she feels the hot desire from her lover turn to warm desire. Think back to the lust encounters of a ‘new’ relationship. Likely you couldn’t wait to see, touch, smell, and have wild sex with your new partner. Because you spent hours positively anticipating sex, you were instantly aroused by the time you actually had sex — and it was likely wonderful! Now compare that with your thoughts of sex with your partner today. For too many women, foreplay becomes days of anxiety, of her walking on egg shells wondering when sex will be initiated. When the sex is initiated, getting sexually aroused takes twice as long (if it happens at all). Women need at least 10-15 minutes of ‘warm up’ – and ironically, that’s how long the average sexual encounter lasts. Sex is suddenly over and she hasn’t had a chance to enjoy it, even if she had an orgasm, which creates an even deeper resentment towards her partner and any future sex act.

 

When you hit a ‘sex rut’, you dig yourself deeper every time you have sex. To bring the zest back into your sex life, you must build positive expectations towards sex. Unfortunately, if a couple has gone years without discussing the negative circumstance, creating positive thoughts toward sex will not happen instantaneously. Especially for women who tend to hang onto anger and allow it to linger. Luckily, fixing your situation is still doable. As sex is a team sport, it’s up to both of you to make a concerted effort to persevere and bring the fun back into your relationship. 

 

There are a few basic guidelines to consider to help with improve your sexual desire.  Remember, good sex starts outside the bedroom. A little intimacy, affection and touch will go a long way to help a couple easily transition into the bedroom. Look for ways to have a 10-second positive and affectionate moment every day. Talk positively about sex.  Be aware of how sex is communicated between you and your partner. Being able to inject fun, flirty chat into your daily conversation – perhaps about a future sexual encounter – is a simple way to create new, positive sex feelings. Take turns planning out fun sex.  Too many couples walk into the bedroom without a plan and have the same old sex time after time. Remember, variety is the spice of life and will do a lot to enhance your sexual desire.  Next, it is important to understand what you want out of the experience and communicate that to your partner. To help your partner plan out a fun sex evening, let them know what you would like to do. Plan an “all about your partner” evening when you spoil them. Once in a while think of something nice you can do for your partner. Spoiling your partner is definitely a win-win proposition on so many relationship levels. In a nutshell, creating positive sexual desire doesn’t have to be complicated, although it might take a little time. See for yourself how positively anticipating sex can completely turn your sex life around.

 

Sex Tips For Lovers With Women Who Have Responsive Sexual Desire:

  1. Women with responsive sexual desire will probably not think of sex or get “turned on” without their lover or some stimulation.
  2. Use all your ‘tools’ to show a woman that you desire her:  your words, your presence, your attention, your actions, and your body.
  3. Read chapters of erotic books to each other, or look at sexy photographs or watch erotic movies with each other before initiating sex. 
  4. Use technology to flirt and express desire to stimulate her sexual response: texting, private messages, etc. 
  5. Let her know that you love her body. Tell her this more than you think you need to. Women carry way too much body shame, and you can turn her on by supporting her in feeling beautiful in her body. Don’t just tell her that you care — show her.